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i never try hard enough.

i know this. i say to myself “that is not a problem: i will try harder from now on.” and even in the off chance that i do, it’s still such a long shot from enough that sending a flyfishing hook from here to the edge of the universe is a shorter shot.

maybe it’s that kind of mock pessimism/self-derisiveness that is keeping me in a hole. not a rut becuase i’m not even moving in one direction. partial-F/partial-x is zero. btw i got a 77 (highest B before a B+ yay go me). i was so just about to get that frickin level curves problem too, but i ran out of time and i gave up. if only i had squeezed my brain just a little harder. 15 points right there.

right-o.

i have a box of hunny Bs. This is a cereal made by Kellogg’s in conjunction with Disney. There’s a 3-d-ish Winnie the Pooh on the front and yummy little Bs inside (get it?! honey bees? b’s?) and mini-graham crackery things shaped like honey pots and pooh bears. it’s a great cereal.

retreat was last weekend. i barely had a retreat high. i think it’s because i went into it feeling skeptical of retreat high/sharing, or that it would be difficult to really connect there, especially with people i hadn’t met before. but i feel that i did connect with some people. i liked the beach a lot. i saw sea anenomes in tidepools and i liked that. i like the feel of wet sand under my feet and cold surf around my ankles and salty wind in my hair and huge sky in my eyes. once in first grade our class went on this field trip to a native-american-themed nature place and we were supposed to write a paragraph about it and instead of writing about what i learned of native-americans i wrote “and i saw a quail! for the first time! i never saw a quail before! it had a funny feather on his head and it was on the trail!” and my mom made fun of me because i wasn’t writing about what i was supposed to be writing. but in this case i suppose ic ould argue that i was writing on what i was supposed to be writing on because you can see God in a sea anenome. and in the wind and in the waves and in the sand and in other people and in a room full of people playing animal king/mafia/cards/chatting/sleeping at 3am… that was pretty cool. i’m glad i went on retreat.

but i’m tired.

yeah, people talked about good things on retreat. the theme was “growing in faith, one step at a time” and the saturday night segment talks in particular really struck me a lot. as i was telling someone later saturday night, you always make fun of christian retreats because they have that time where it’s dark and some people pray and some people cry a lot? yeah, i had a good cry. i think i’m kinda bitter about some things and that was apparent in my “prayer” during the open prayer time in the dark with individual candles, i said something about how the world makes me so angry and it just kind of degenerated into a sob, left hanging.

*hang*