friday: went to a logic colloquium on quantum complexity theory. no wait, that was quantum computational theory. no wait, quantum complexity computational theory… oh whatever it all means the same to me (nothing) so… yeah. actually i could sort of follow some of it. i was shocked. i think

the following is courtesy of leon’s profile:
“Job experts are urging employers to begin looking for workers among formerly marginalized groups, like criminals and liberal arts majors, but apparently it hasn’t helped much.” ~ NYTimes article March 5, 2000
how sad =( i read it in my BA10 reader
ha! criminals and liberal arts in the same bucket! ha! ha!

you know, family relations are seriously fucked up. if i major in english, my dad will blame is on my mom because she happens to be an english and education double masters and for some idiot reason my dad thinks that a liberal arts education (especially in something as useless and frivolous as english) is a stupid waste of time. i think my dad is hella fucking wrong. you can see by my frequent and gratuitous use of exclamatory words in this paragraph that i’m really pissed off about this. actually if i major in english, my mom will hate me for making my dad hate her. she will think that it’s her fault that i’m majoring in english, like she thinks it’s her fault that i’m a failure and a lazy bum right now. i don’t think it’s her fault that i’m fucking lazy, i think it’s my fault that i’m fucking lazy. duh. i really don’t see what she could have done to “make” me into some star chinese kid in eecs. i say “in eecs” not really meaning that i want to or should have been in eecs, or even that if i was an engineer (or a doctor of some sort) then my life would be perfect–i use those words to convey the more abstract idea of the “narrow-minded parent’s vision of a good daughter” … which actually places more importance on finding a good boy to get married to (who is preferably rich and reasonably good-looking/tall) than on a carreer. and what nice rich boy will want to marry a useless english major? (not to mention a rude, loud, unladylike and overly tanned one) haha.

this is making my parents sound terrible! i’m trying to say that it’s all their fault that i’m messed up like this (even when i complain about my mom’s unrelenting guilt trips that she places on herself about making me turn out how i did, what i’m really complaining about is my feelings of uneasiness that result when she places guilt on herself like that–i’m blaming her for making me feel guilty. she makes me feel guilty when she says that she feels guilty for my being a Bad Person. so i’m trying to blame her for my current unhappiness, which basically contradicts what i’m trying to say about how i DON’T blame her for my current sloppiness. does this make ANY sense?)

goodness gracious my parents aren’t that bad. i’d say they’re just as bad as the next TAPs but they’re not terrible. they don’t beat me. they give me things i want. they haven’t actually kicked me out of the house, despite the many times my dad has threatened that kind of thing. when we’re happy we’re a really loving group and we have a lot of fun. it’s just that we haven’t been happy for a while, and like all phases, this one will pass.

i’m so lucky to be here and i know i’m lucky and i know i should care about being lucky and i also know that i don’t. care. i don’t care. hmm that sucks. i’ve always taken higher education completely for granted–“oh of course i’m going to grad school”–and now that i’m here in college, i’m realizing that i’m not heading in any direction at all, and that not getting into any grad schools is a clear possibility.

i sit around wondering if things like world peace and ending hunger are achievable. what is war? a bunch of power-hungry people trying to exert their power over each other, and when words don’t work anymore they beat each other into submission. i mean there has to be a better way than drawing entire countries into war, training masses of people to hate the enemy… i mean the nice little family has nothing to do with its country’s random fighting, why drag them into it… why involve everybody in the political scramblings of a few stupid people… of course this is easy for me to say, i’ve never been in a war and i’ve never had any strong opinions on anything political, ever, so i don’t know waht i’m talking about. so i sit here and i say things like why can’t we all just get the fuck along? and then i look at myself and i look at my relatoinships with other people and i can’t even maintain peace in my own microcosm of petty trifles and petty failings and petty affections, obsessions, slanderings, complaints, offenses, trespasses, dishonesties, manipulations, and if i can’t even maintain peace on this level how can i expect the world’s leaders to? where do you draw the line between what doesn’t matter and what does matter? where do you draw the line between things to care about and things to not care about? is it a matter of personal choice? is there some definitive way of calculating this? of course this can’t be boiled down to calculations, i’m just exaggerating. where do you draw the line between words and ideas? where do i draw the line between what i mean and what i say? where do i draw the line between facetiousness and utter utter seriousness that my life depends on

i was reading connie’s blog the other day and she had a disclaimer at the end about how this is just a blog and not to freak out about things she said. so. this is just a blog and i am just ranting, stream-of-consciousness, thoughts going at about 700mph and fingers at 90wpm and missing most of my thoughts and only half-assedly articulating others, and the only person i know who actually reads this is ryan anyway so yeah ryan don’t freak out, i’m okay, i really am, this is nothing more but the musings of an annoyed and

whatever. i can’t stop eating skittles.

today at the newman sunday night (no topic this time–it was just a q&a session–i was there only briefly) we talked about the cathedral project in LA which is costing a lot of money (they’re building a new cathedral in some poor part of LA or something) and this project’s getting a lot of flak from everywhere becuase people are asking “why is the catholic church spending extravagant amounts of money on some extravagant building while people are starving and roaming the streets all over LA?” (tangent: my thought on this. 1) people who ask that are just being self-righteous. maybe they feel guilty because last week they bought a new toaster that has four slots and two bagel settings, when they know that they could have given that money to a homeless person who asked them for change. or something. no, i do not have a toaster, i am just making this up. where do you draw the line (i’m becoming obsessed with drawing lines) between what you’re allowed to do and what the community is allowed to do and between your good and the greater good? (tangent to this tangent: why am i becoming obsessed with delineating things like this? am i in search of order in life? am i afraid of things falling apart (hey! THINGS FALL APART; THE CENTRE CANNOT HOLD hahaha), am i afraid of , or am i just a control freak hiding inside a shell of indecisiveness? maybe i am only indecisive because i’m trying to supress the control freak part of me… wait wait wait, why do i keep asking if i’m afraid of things? does everything i do or think or feel have to be motivated by fear? what is so strong about fear that moves people so… no, that paralyzes people so?)

oh so the point of me telling you that (i’m going to skip to what i was trying to say now) was that father dick, at one point, said “i hate it when middle-class people point their fingers at poor people and say that they don’t deserve help” and that makes me nervous. i want to say “of course i’m better than the homeless people outside the doorstep of my apartment” because then i am more confident of my own self-worth, and also because they know all they have to do is sit in one place all day and beg for change for their quick fixes or whatever. and if i give them money then that’ll just encourage them to stay there longer becuase they’re lazy, and so i don’t want to give them money because i want them to go away” but hey father dick is right, i’m a hypocrite. when i find something that works i just stay there becuase i’m lazy and instead of snatching the opportunity to better myself and my environment and the people important to me i sit around and wait for other people to take care of me

whatever i completely forgot what i originally set out to talk about. i didn’t have the right number of close-parens either (yay emacs) and i’m going to be NOT controlfreakish and go back and read this again and count the number of open-parens

yeah i’m going to go back to my history 7b research (i just found out that i have to actually find an article and photocopy the first page of it and turn it in tomorrow… damn mondays)

oh wait, i was talking about my weekend. so friday night was asuc ball, that was fun, i love newman people, it’s all about the freaky catholic love baby.
saturday: woke up at 1. watched scratch (movie documentary on hip hop and turntabilism… YAY QBERT!) with my 3 roommies, ate at great china–it was the first time we’ve ever eaten out together, the four of us, that place is yummy. went to artist’s night late, wow dude people are talented (laura on piano and singing! ann and that flute, WOW dude, i didn’t know fluting was that hard… okay fine playing the flute, not fluting… whatever… and francesca on accordion is just absolutely fascinating). and the original ghostbusters movie at midnight! that was so great! people knew all the words and were shouting them… what a riot. i’d never seen it before. LISTEN! DID YOU SMELL THAT? hahahaha what great lines. WHEN SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU’RE A GOD, YOU SAY YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!
sunday: did nothing at all. newman q&a and announcements with reina (we’re the karaoke kids!) fun stuff. i heart reina. i heart rob’s guitar playing too.

right so basically i did nothing this weekend and i’m starting this week behind already. behind in school and sleep and sanity, this was such a long post. i think it did me good. i’m learning to be more opinionated. yeah, when i’m talking to myself. well it’s a start.


  1. Hey, babe, it’s Kristin Carideo.

    I was so saddened by reading this. I know how bad things can be with your parents, so I pass down advice to you (take it however you may, but I mean it in love).

    1) You are not required to make your parents happy. You are only required to make yourself happy. You fulfill your obligations to them in loving them. Past that, you can’t do anything more than what’s best for yourself, and if you being happy doesn’t make them happy, then it’s their problem not yours.

    2) You want to be an English major. I can see that. Do it.

    3) Taking dance, etc., won’t help you get your life together unless you are ready to get your life together. You already know how to do that. Taking ballet won’t teach you anything you don’t already know. You just have to make the decision to get your life together and then follow through. If you’re not ready to do that, then you’re not ready.

    4) Do at least one thing good for yourself this week without feeling guilty about it.

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