I went to 5pm mass yesterday. I have been to very few masses at Newman that weren’t in the dark–I felt acutely uncomfortable in that space, being able to see the entire room. I’ve probably been to more masses numerically that WERE, you know, lit, by lights, and also in the daytime, but I’ve associated my Catholicism and Newman with 10pm mass so hard that it’s all I want. Saw some people I’ve not talked to for far far far too long. Couldn’t get out all that I wanted to say and how could I? How could I deserve any of this?

Grand Omega Boss is an anagram for Debase Mason’s Grog. I should have known. However, it’ll only be on the 7″ vinyl and the digital download (which is only available in the UK) so all my hopes are pinned to muselive. Though if it WERE a studio version of Assassin extended with elements of DMG, why would they put it on only the vinyl and not the CD single?

At the laundromat today I saw the third-grader who talked to me about Pokemon and Animal Crossing last time. I put away my DS and tried to avoid him but to no avail–he came up to me and said “hey, I think I remember you. Where’s your DS?” I mumbled that it was at home (I never was a convincing liar). He’s a pretty funny kid. The radio was on throughout, so as he wandered around he’d sing along, but he didn’t know the words. Hearing him whine along wordlessly to SexyBack was a highlight of my evening. He volunteered the information that his house had three rooms–his mom had one, his dad had one, and he had one, so he could get away from his mom, “that person,” he scowled, at the owner, carrying a mop across the room. So I told him to be nice to his mother. I think he saw that I meant it. I fold my clothes slowly. I do everything slowly. I should have been born an Ent.

I thought about two things kneeling on the pew yesterday: 1) I live in the moment. I’m a butterfly. I’m a chameleon. I don’t know what I want and don’t care because “wanting” something means thinking about the future (since to want something is to not have whatever it is now and to think of ways to get it later), and I’m incapable of comprehending things like the future and deadlines and consequences and I forget things that were so important to me in the past so easily. Unless they’re things that make me bitter and angry in which case I remember them forever. 2) When leadership roles at Newman were bestowed upon me I approached them as performance rather than service. I disappointed myself. I am not mature enough to hold things like leadership roles. I’ve been thinking a lot about this “performance vs. service” distinction that popped into my head. I don’t know how to serve. I don’t even like doing anything for anyone else because I’m afraid that I’ll do it wrong or break something and am convinced that they’d want to do it themselves because they know they can do it better, but this comes across as me not caring. Which is sad.


  1. Well, I feel like leading and performing are very similar things, however, leading and serving, that’s harder to connect with each other. I think we all have those doubts.

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