today i’ve been walking around and looking at things and everything that i see is super-clear. not hazy, as you’d expect with someone being all sick and slow, but overly clear. the pain inside my head/nose/throat/ears/tear ducts is causing the inside of my body to feel really hollow. i feel compelled to rattle on and on about things. i feel like abandoning all sense of propriety and screwing what “the world” thinks and just doing things becuase i feel like it. that kind of thing. i hope my eyes don’t get infected–that really sucked over the summer. i don’t think i’m going to get that job in new jersey, which really disappoints me–i wish i wasn’t so damn lazy! i should have just called the lady a week ago when i was told to call her–instead i was like “oh, it’s 330 already, i’m not going to call her today i can always call her tomorrow…” goodness gracious i’m such an idiot. it would be so nice to go that far away and just be on my own (in a manner of speaking) for a while. i’m drinking a lot of water. i wonder if i will ever really be able to take care of myself, emotionally, physically, mentally, financially, etc etc… i’m totally scared of that kind of thing. i’m so dependent on other people it’s not even funny. i’m just really tired. i’m just really really tired. and i’ve been sleeping on and off all day. i’m going to try to go back to sleep now.