i’m tired

i’m tired of my front and the black veil and the outwardly “normal” facade, hey, look at me everybody i’m trying to be cool and entertaining all the time. why do i take it upon myself to be the clown? i’m not even successful as a clown. the other day me and joan were at bongo burger and we were bored so i was writing things with the ketchup. and i was playing with the straws at cindy’s, haha. a child just does things she feels like doing–am i playing, then, at being a child? am i that insecure of myslef, that i TRY this hard to SEEM like i’m just doing what i want to do, when actually it’s all an act, it’s all this huge fake act, because for some really strange reason i think it’s “good” to just do what i want to do–is this confusing enough already? i can’t even speak coherently or type with any kind of grammatical correctness, i’m that tired. i’ve been physically exhausted since early afternoon, actually. what am i running on now? the adrenaline of the depressed? right-o. so. ought the question be, “what do i want to do”–if i figure that out, the rest will follow, right? if i just do what i feel like doing, i’ll be happy, unless what i feel like doing is somehow not what i feel like i SHOULD be doing, but then again if i knew htere was something i should be doing, i would want to do that too, right? that only makes sense, doesn’t it? or–is it true that we don’t always want to do wat we should? of course that’s true, what am i talking about. well, what SHOULD i be doing? this is turning into a game of definitions and is getting me nowhere.

i don’t know what to do. i don’t know what i want to do or how i will do it or when i will do it or whether or not i will do any freaking thing at all except sit on my lazy ass and type because i’m feeling depressive–hey i even know WHY i’m feeling depressive, i’m TIRED! i’m BUTT tired and for some odd reason i can’t fall asleep.

look at me! whine complain! ugh.

AzNbELLbOy (1:13:25 AM): its just the people you meet
AzNbELLbOy (1:13:29 AM): you need to meet some ugly people

hahahahahahahahaha you’re great =) thanks.

oh yeah. minor detail. today was the first day of school. hahahaha. classes? eh? what are those? hahahaa. i’m actually quite excited about this semester, my classes seem interesting–well, we’ll see hwere math goes–and it’s good to be decadencing again, even though my voice feels and sounds absolutely shitty–too much yelling. we played chess on the gaia board today, that was fun. joan’s telling me to go to sleep so i think i’ll try again. ooh, the first SMT meeting tomorrow night. i gotta be awake for THAT!

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