me me me. i’m always complaining about myself.

sometimes i worry that i don’t hate anybody passionately. as a guard against that ever happening, and against anybody ever hating me passionately, i’m unconciously cautious about getting too close to anybody. if i never get too close, too passionately close, then i will never have huge blowout fights, and i will never be used unjustly, and i will never be able to use anyone else unjustly, and i won’t ever feel like i’ve been stepped on, left behind, uncared about, and i figured that i must do this becuase i’m scared scared scared of loving someone more than they love me. so i’m actually pretty reserved with interpersonal relationships. i don’t throw myself completely into any one relatoinship and let it consume me. minimize hurt. it’s like when you buy lots of different kinds of stock to minimize loss. hedging or something.

the problem with this, of course, is that i never dive into any one person enough to really love them or to let them really love me. and i’m not just talking about boyfriend-girlfriend or husband-wife type relationships, i’m like this with all kinds of people. my friends, my acquaintances, people i think are cute, my family, my teachers, whoever… i don’t spend as much time with them as i’d like, or maybe the real and horrible truth is that i don’t REALLY want to spend time with them because i’m afraid to, or because i feel too proud to–look at me i’m independent and i don’t need anybody, i’m not going to bow to anyone and i’m not going to ask anyone for help…

eh. i believe in circular thoughts. even if you hop on this train of thought that takes you to exactly the same place you started from, the terrain taht you covered while going nowhere is still worth something. if you graphed my brain and all the little philosophical musings i’ve undertaken, it’s quite definately an equivalence relation. here’s my proof: it’s 1) reflexive because i’ve taken every point of thought and wandered around in circles about it, 2) symmetric because if one thought makes me think of another thought, i’ll think about how that thought made me think of the other thought and in doing so think of the original thought as i think about the other thought, and 3) transitive because, well say thought A makes me think of thought B makes me think about thought C, i’m a big fan of tracing how in the world i ended up thinknig about C at this time of night starting from A….


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