my left arm hurts because i have been trying to play “the ascent of stan” and i can only play the first eight measures which are actually four measures repeated and i can’t even play it well and it doesn’t sound like ben folds at all and WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

yesterday, i was talking to my mom and she commented that she is really sensitive. once in taiwan, her 3-sister took her to some fancy hairdresser place because her 3-sister wanted to get her hair cut. her 3-sister by this time was this successful career woman and she looked like she had lots of money, so the people in the hairdresser place were all nice to her. and they were nice to my mom too, a little college student, because my mom was with her 3-sister. then the 3-sister went off somewhere and then all the people in the hairdresser place snubbed my mom. and my mom started crying! she started crying because she could see clearly how the poor people at the hairdresser had to live their lives every day, kissing up to people who looked rich, and how they only had energy to be nice to people who could give them lots of money. oh my clear-eyed empathetic mother. she was also, of course, crying because they were all snubbing her. when her 3-sister came back she freaked out and coudln’t understand what happened–“i take my darling youngest sister to a haircut place and she cries?! what happened?!!”

hehe. so this made me recall many such incidences of ridiculous sensitivity in my life.

in 3rd grade or so, we were playing house. me and some other girl were babies, so i followed her lead and we made nuicances out of ourselves wailing for attention all the time, because that’s what babies do when you play house. so shoko was like “oh i know how to make them shut up, you just slap them on the faces like this” and she slapped me! she slapped me! on the face! but she didn’t slap the other girl! and i got SO ANGRY. i stormed away around the corner of the building, sat down in the dirt, and started to cry. by and by, dennis came around the corner, squatted down in front of me, and i thought “oh good, they are coming to apologize for their behavior.” he opened his mouth and said “aren’t you going to apologize?” and i stood up, incredulous, as he said “that was EXTREMELEY RUDE OF YOU to just RUIN our game like that and–” i’m not even sure if that’s what he said, but i definately didn’t stick around to listen so i stomped off to some other corner and cried some more.

in 5th grade, i was embarrased because i was a loner and i walked around the playground by myself during recess, so i went up to my teacher, mr blair, who i really looked up to. “mr blair?” i said, approaching his desk like a small shy but starving animal. “i have no friends.” he put down his papers and looked at me. “well, what do you want me to do about it?” i ran away and started to cry because of the utter ridiculousness of my actually believing that he could do something about my utterly friendless nature.

in 8th grade, this girl and i were fighting for a spot on the track team. we did the hurdles. the spot we were fighting for was the third place spot, because both of us sucked too much to be better than anyone else. finally it came down to a race between me and her, and i got off to a better start than she did. but we tied. so mr hunter said “you know judy, at the start of the race, i turned to mrs jenkins and said ‘well i guess we know who gets the spot’ but then she caught up to you. and you know, we can work on starting, and we can get her to start better, but see? she caught up to you even though she was slower in the beginning, which means she’s faster than you” and that was that. and i got SO ANGRY. and yet i failed to contest the cruelty of their logic. i hated myself for being so indimidated by authority and intimidated by other people. i hated the girl because she sucked at starting and at track meets she’d keep having false starts and move before the gun went off so she’d get pulled from the race. anywya that day i ran to the other side of the field and cried. a few people came up to me and sort of murmered. “what’s wrong with her?” “oh she lost to alison” “oh” and went away because i ignored them.

in 9th grade, i had biology third period. it was right before winter vacation, or something. everybody was giving presents and rosegrams to each other and i didn’t get any. so i started crying, because i thought nobody cared about me. and then i cried because i was humiliated that i was crying, and i cried some more because everybody thought it was just because nobody sent me any rosegrams–ellin tried giving me one of hers, but of course i didn’t want it–where i was really crying becuase i thought it was obvious that i had no friends. again. or that people said they were my friend but really didn’t give a rat’s ass about me. people came up to me and sort of murmered. “what’s wrong with her?” “oh she didn’t get any rosegrams” “oh” and went away because i ignored them.

ah, this is fun.

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