i feel better now

“judy, you’re too hard for yourself”–i hear that from a lot of people.

the truth: i’m much too easy on myself. i’m a large marshmallow when it comes to how i treat myself. no self control. not only am i easy on myself, i know i’m easy on myself and in an effort to dispel the guilt that i feel for lacking self-discipline, i describe myself with harsh words (for instance, that i’m a c student, that i’m irresponsible) that are true, but that i honestly don’t care about. they’re just words. that’s the key. again, i’m arming myself with words to make other people believe that i am not who i am, and eventually i believe that i’m not who i am. it’s so easy to slip into actually thinking that i’m right. and that everything is okay.

even these words, i’m trying to say “see? look! i know i’m wrong! oh poor me! i’m so wrong about everything!” “you should not rest between the elements of earth and sky but you should pity me” or however the heck that goes haha. “but it’s nobody’s fault now but my own…” words, words, words mean nothing. what can i DO?

dance! i’ll take a ballet pe next semester. self-discipline, baby. thanks to hsiao for suggesting a solitary-discipline activity to get my act together. thanks to hsiao for knocking a little sense into me.

maybe for now i will try rsf. i can like read on a treadmill. haha.

it would be a good idea to get done with that shakespeare essay now. and then i can think about chinese immigration during ww2.

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