my livejournal account was getting lonely… so….

due to the apparent withering away of the health of said livejournal, on account of aforementioned livejournal’s owner completely forgetting and abandoning the poor orphan out in the cold, i have decided to post a lost and wandering message which appropriately gives an approximation of my current lost and wandering demeanor.

wait what was the point?

i think i have a lot to write about. i could write for a long time, i think, about my anti-war stance; on that note, i want to express my sorrow for all people affected by all the stuff that’s been going on, whether directly or just because they’ve been thrown off-kilter by it. but i’m not going to write a lengthy discourse on it, becuase to quote googoo doll’s acoustic #3, “what’s the point in all this screaming?/ no one’s listenin anyway.” so here is my statement: dropping a bomb or starting a war would be the US’ ultimate show of low-self-confidence. why must we use force, why must we destroy others–are we so desperate to regain our sense of supremacy in the world? has our perception of our country been so shaken as to create the seeming need to go conquer and beat someone else? why can’t we end the cycle of violence begetting violence?

ahh, i had just promised i wouldn’t start a long discussion either.

actually i want to refute my own quoting of acoustic #3: maybe i shouldn’t be so self-deprecating (on a personal scale)–being at berkeley really makes me feel like maybe i can make a difference, join a march, change the world. who knows? are the answers blowing in the wind?

this is the end of the 4th week of school. i got into chinese1ax and english45b today, finally!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ah, the joy of waitlists. i don’t know if this is a good thing or a bad thing anymore, that i got into these classes… how am i going to handle the workload this semester?!?! and here i am swearing to myself that i will get an A in math, especially since i dropped it so late last semester, it would be unacceptable for me to work for anything less.

i’m on the newman student retreat team. going to the meetings used to be a very enjoyable experience for me. but the more i go, and the more i engage in bla bla bla-ing, the more i feel like i’m this shallow, empty creature who just likes to talk. i’ve said this before: that i’m all talk and no… anything. not anything. devoid of meaninful feeling and aspirations. what do i want? i don’t know. i just want to be thought well of by other people. why am i so scared of what they think? why can’t i just be content with what i am, with who i am, with how i act and what i say, how i dress and how i feel, what i love and who i love…

right. and how seriously do i take myself? i think more seriously, much much more seroiusly, than i like to let on. there are a lot of things that i don’t like to “let on” about. what a facade i have, what a circus i lead to hide myself away from everything. and even these words, these words here that i type in some kind of trance-like frenzy, they seem raw and striking to the core but what is my core? have i a core of being? what is inside that is possibly worth this rant?

but on this telephone line i am anyone
i am anythign i want to be
i could be a super model or norman mailer
and you wouldn’t know the difference
on the telephone line, i am any height
i am any age i want to be
i could be a caped crusader, or space invader
and you woudln’t know the difference
or would you-ooooooo?
~even more savage garden…. “santa monica”

i love savage garden…. i finally got their first cd just yesterday, and right now? i think it’s on its 5 consecutive run since i’ve been home tonight. (i got home at around 10:45 after deCadence rehearsal?) (dude, who’s norman mailer??)

anyway, i feel those words. i repeat them here to acknowledge that yes, it’s so much easier for me to go on about all this stuff online, in some obsure online journal, that few people will ever see… “in cyberspace, communication is anonymous” … so what is truth? what is my own fabricated bs facade that i’ve made such a habit of creating that i cna’t even shed it anymore, so ingrained it has become into my personality?

and you wouldn’t know the difference… or would you?

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